Happy: ‘So what if it hurts me?’

Like most of my posts, the title of this one pays homage to a song lyric, but it also references the best book I’ve read in a long time: Happy by Derren Brown.  This masterpiece gives the reader a whistle-stop tour of the history of happiness philosophy, and provides some simple insights and advice that can help us to live happily. I’d like to share some of those thoughts here.

When it comes to happiness (or indeed lack thereof), the problem that we have in modern Western society is our fierce attachment to the ‘hedonic treadmill’: we are led to believe that possessions, people, fitness crazes, holidays, TV shows, etc etc, will bring us happiness. We buy the latest iPhone and experience a fleeting joy, until the next model comes out and we are left wanting again. This is because possessions do not bring real, lasting happiness. Similarly, neither do holidays or relationships.

Why is this? As the ancient Bhuddist saying states: “Wherever you go, there you are”. Possessions, relationships and holidays never bring true contentment, because whatever we buy, whoever we spend time with, whatever our material riches and however many luxury holidays we take, we are always ourselves.

That we can never escape our own bodies and minds is a somewhat terrifying thought, but a liberating and insightful one too. Once we realise the significance of this fact, it is a powerful tool for cultivating contentment. If I’m not happy at home, chances are I won’t be happy in an exotic beachside location, because I’ll still be me. So, the solution is to become more ok with myself. This is the only path to true peace and happiness.

I’d like to take this opportunity to draw your attention to a video that describes wonderfully the distinction between the fleeting joy that things, people and positive life events bring, and that robust happiness that can be located and nurtured within. Tara Brach is a psychologist and a mindfulness teacher, and offers great insight into the world of true happiness. Feel free to take some time to close your eyes, relax and listen to her wise words.

Becoming more ok with ourselves, and therefore connecting with our inner happiness – which, by the way, we all have the capacity for – involves being open and accepting of our experiences, both positive and negative. We have a tendency to believe that happiness is linked with not experiencing pain, suffering or negative events, so we try to avoid such experiences. Although counter-intuitive, avoiding difficult thoughts, feelings and events isn’t the answer. It’s part of the human condition that we will all experience challenges across the life-course, and it’s human nature to have fluctuations in mood and energy levels. Rather than beating ourselves up about this, we do better to acknowledge and accept our experiences in any given moment, whatever they are.

If this notion seems contradictory and counter-intuitive, that’s fair enough – it kind of is! – but even so, I hope you will be willing to give it a go and see how it impacts on your life. A good starting point might be to try some guided meditation practices – you’ll find loads of these by searching online - personally I can recommend the Dorset Mindfulness Centre’sSoundcloud page. These practices can help you to connect with your thoughts and feelings and become more accepting of them, which in turn can help you to experience a sense of inner peace and contentment; in other words, true happiness.

In sum, happiness isn’t about running away from life’s difficulties, but turning towards them and becoming more ok with ourselves. This is vital, since you are always you, no matter where you go or what you do. Instead of relying on external objects, people and places for comfort, we can find it by connecting with, getting to know, and coming to be ok with, our internal worlds.

I’d like to finish by quoting Leona Lewis’s song about happiness, which sums up these ideas quite nicely:

So what if it hurts me?

So what if I break down?

So what if this world just throws me off the edge

My feet run out of ground?

I’ve gotta find my place

I’ve gotta hear my sound

Don’t care about all the pain in front of me

I just wanna be

Happy

Your Hallelujah

One of my favourite things about this time of year is listening to Christmas music.  Over the last few years I’ve really enjoyed Leona Lewis’s album Christmas, With Love, which delivers the perfect balance of fun and lower-tempo songs, originals and classics, and really showcases lots of different sides of her personality and musical talent.  Anyway, one of the slower tracks on the album is Your Hallelujah, a beautiful, emotionally charged song.  I was driving home from work the other day and found myself almost in tears when the song came on, which compelled me to write a few words about the song and what it means to me.

The song, for me, brings absent loved ones to mind.  Not just my own, but others’ too.  In fact, the first time I heard it was around the time I’d found out a colleague had lost his dad.  I didn’t even know the guy that well and he’d probably think it a bit strange if he knew this, but I felt quite affected by the incident and wished there was something I could’ve done to help.  I remember thinking of this guy and his family when the song came on, and now it reminds me of other people whose absence is always felt more at this time of year.

Remembering lost loved ones at Christmas

The first verse and chorus of Your Hallelujah go like this:

Winter's cold, in the light
Somebody's waiting
Feel the warmth, safe and sound now
All the joy, all the fears
You can let go now
Watch the snow gently fall down

Someone needs you
Someone loves you
Hallelujah
Now you're coming home
Hallelujah
Angels calling out to you
You can hear them sing your hallelujah

These lyrics, along with the beautiful melody, strike a chord with me and make me feel a little more connected to those I know who are no longer with us.  I envisage those people at peace, and wish a little that they were coming home as the song suggests.  In my post Save You I talk of a chap I knew who had recently taken his own life, and how I wished, as most of us do in these situations, that he could have known how many people would have begged him to stay.  The lyric someone needs you; someone loves you reminds me that we should always make sure the people around us know how much we value them.

So, at this time of year, I feel it’s really important to tell and show our friends, family, admired acquaintances, inspiring colleagues, and any other important people in our lives, that they are important to us.  That we need them and love them.  And this has also got me thinking of those people who are unfortunate enough not to have any loved ones to celebrate Christmas with.  When I see homeless people in the street, particularly around Christmas, I occasionally sit and have a chat with them as I think sometimes this might be more needed than a few coins or a coffee - well, actually, a chat AND a coffee is my preferred offering! – just to give them a feeling that they are valued; they are needed as much as anyone else in this world.  I hope I’ll find some time this year to spread some festive cheer to the less fortunate members of my local community, perhaps even by doing some volunteering with the Salvation Army or some such organisation.

To sum up, I’m making a big effort this Christmas to make as many people around me as possible feel needed and loved.  Spending as much quality time with friends and family as I can, making sure they know how grateful I am to have that time with them, and extending some of that kinship to those who may be lonely.  I love that by doing this I will be lifting my own spirits as well as that of those around me (hopefully!) and hope that you will all do the same and have a very Merry Christmas :)

Forever: Heart-Wrenching and Heart-Warming Songs to help you through bereavements

In my previous post I looked at songs to help you through a break up.  This time I’m looking at another type of difficult life event: losing loved ones.  I don’t want to be morbid, just the opposite really! - There are some really beautiful songs that I’d like to share, and hope some of them strike a chord with you in some way.

To Where You Are by Josh Groban

Those of you who know me well will know I was a huge G4 fan when they were around.  It was them who introduced me to this beautiful song, so it’ their version I’m sharing with you here.

Angels on the Moon by Thriving Ivory

“Don’t wake me coz I’m dreaming of angel son the moon, where everyone you know never leaves too soon”

View From Heaven by Yellowcard

Forever by Vertical Horizon

Footprints In The Sand by Leona Lewis

You Can Still Be Free by Savage Garden

Everybody Hurts by REM

Butterfly by Take That

This Is Not The End by Clare Maguire

Alive: Heart-Wrenching and Heart-Warming Songs to help you through a break-up!

Psychology researchers have noted that listening to sad music in times of sadness can help people to process their feelings and have a cathartic effect.  With this in mind, music can be really powerful in helping people through tough times, such as relationship break-ups.  In this part of my musical series, I take readers on a journey from heartbreak to healing to happiness through a series of heart-wrenching and heart-warming music and lyrics!  

Firstly, the perfect song to depict a moment of heartbreak:  A simple and beautiful song called Beat of a Breaking Heart by Matt Cardle

Next, a bunch of songs that I have found to be particularly poignant during times of real pain and anguish:

Alive by Leona Lewis

Exit Wounds by The Script

Cry by Kelly Clarkson

“Is it over yet?  Can I open my eyes?  Is this as hard as it gets?  Is this what it feels like to really cry?

Bullet by Clare Maguire

Breathe by Taylor Swift and Colbie Caillat

“I can’t breathe without you, but I have to”

For times when you’re ready to start moving on but can’t quite make it past the next hurdle:

My Hands by Leona Lewis

Long Gone and Moved on by The Script 

And finally, some real good up-beat ‘getting over it’ songs! :)

Breathe by Ross Copperman

“Anything can happen when you start breathing again” 

 Ross Copperman - Breahte Live and Acoustic

Over You by Daughtry

Naïve Orleans by Anberlin

“And I’ve finally found that life goes on without you, and my world still turns when you’re not around”

 I’m OK by Olly Murs

I hope readers can take something from this, whether it be a song that helps you through a bad time or the joy of simply discovering some beautiful music you haven’t heard before.  As always, thanks for reading and come back soon!