Demons

I’ve talked before about how I firmly believe that the way we behave and deal with life’s challenges has a huge impact on our wellbeing, and today felt compelled to write about a particular example that illustrates this quite poignantly, for me at least.

Over the last couple of years I’ve had some ups and downs with my health, with episodes of feeling unwell with abdominal pain and fatigue.  I’ve had various treatments and investigations, but so far haven’t got to the bottom of what’s causing the symptoms.  At times the strain of not only the physical symptoms but the psychological impact of not knowing what the problem is has really taken its toll. 

I had two minor operations last year in attempt to fix the problem, and prior to the first one I was convinced it was going to be the answer.  Afterwards, when I realised it hadn’t helped, I was in quite a bad way for a while.  I allowed it to have quite an impact on my life, cancelling catch-ups with friends and being far less active than usual when my symptoms struck.  I was taking painkillers every day, and on the rare occasions I didn’t have tummy pain I’d end up with a migraine or something.  I couldn’t remember what it was like to feel well.  Thinking back on it now I can hardly believe I was in that kind of state when now, although nothing has changed medically, I’m in a much better place.

Simply enjoying riding my bike has played a major role in feeling healthier

I can see now that I’d gotten myself into a bit of a vicious cycle – doing less because I felt unwell, feeling sluggish because I wasn’t doing enough, and so on – and had also fallen into an unhelpful mind-set of being ‘ill’.  One day I just decided I needed to start doing something differently if I was ever going to feel better, so I took myself off painkillers (saving them only for particularly severe bouts) and gradually started to get more active again.  I also discovered the world of raw food, which led me to start making some changes to my diet.  I was already a healthy eater, but think this is one of the multitude of factors that has supported me to get back to a sense of wellbeing despite the limited progress on the medical front.

I’m now in almost completely the opposite state to how I was a year and a bit ago, and although my symptoms persist in a way I feel healthier than ever.  Another factor that has played a role has been practicing mindfulness, having completed a course at the Dorset Mindfulness Centre.  This has allowed me to be more accepting of my symptoms, which in turn has meant they have less of an impact when they do occur.  Rather than ruminating on them and dosing up, I now simply notice and get on with my day. 

As has been the case over the course of two years, I still have better and worse phases.  The difference is that at low points I might reduce the intensity of my exercise, or have an extra rest day, rather than letting it stop me in my tracks.  This helps keep me from getting back into a downward spiral, and seems to have really helped me to stay feeling relatively well.  The downs seem to be less severe, and my mood has stabilised alongside this (or maybe it’s the other way round and my stable mood helps me to deal with the physical side better!).

Before all this started, I was training really hard physically; I had a cycling coach and was competing in my local track league and time trials.  The start of my period of illness – I call it that as that’s how I saw it at the time, although I currently do not consider myself to have an illness – was one of the factors that drew me away from racing, alongside needing to spend more time and mental energy on working out my next career move.  This year, as I’ve gradually become more active, simply enjoying spending time on my bike (plus the odd weights session in the gym!) seems to have made me fitter than I was when I was doing loads of specialised, structured training. 

Time trialling a couple of years back

To me, this epitomises how state of mind and generally looking after yourself can have a massive impact on not only your sense of wellbeing but also your capacity to achieve certain things.  Last year I dropped out of a 100 mile cycle event I’d booked onto before the op that I imagined would cure everything, because I hadn’t felt anywhere near well enough to train.  Almost exactly a year later, I recently rode my first century - almost on a whim – when a club run turned out to be longer than expected and I decided I might as well tag some extra miles on to complete the hundred!  It was an important moment for me as I saw how far I’d come, simply by changing the way I reacted to what was going on.  I’ve also taken part in a couple of 10-mile time trials in recent weeks, and although I won’t be winning any titles any time soon I’m riding faster than I was two years ago, which I put down to all the factors outlined above plus the fact that I’m not really putting any pressure on myself to perform well, and making sure I get plenty of rest as well as plenty of exercise!

I just wanted to share this story because it really shows that having a chronic condition, or medically unexplained symptoms, doesn’t have to control your life.  Rather, you can manage your condition and live life the best you can in the face of it.  I realise that others have more serious and perhaps real problems physically, but hope I might inspire the odd person or two to work at taking back control of their own lives in the face of adversity.  It’s a long and challenging process that never ends – I’m still learning all the time and constantly adjusting to get the balance right and keep myself feeling relatively well – but there is hope even when it feels like you’re ever going to feel healthy again.  In the words of James Morrison, who gives the title for this post, “I’ve got demons; I just need a little time to work ‘em out”.